There is Randomness in being Oneself..!

50th!

2011-09-10T15:00:00.000-07:00

My 50th blogpost! Should be about something happy, like a job well done, a beautiful observation or an interesting lesson. Whats happy and happening today is the ability as well as the will to be all by myself. The dependence on factors is reducing. Calls for a celebration innit? Soft good music is the such a partner. Learning is awaiting my acknowledgement. The time has come when i give it some attention.

Sombre!

2011-08-20T11:21:00.000-07:00

Life seems to be going nowhere..so unhappy today! Just a week ago, was so thrilled...felt so lovely! Today it feels like such a waste. Boredom is seeping in like never before..not peripherally grim. It seems like somewhere real deep inside.

Whats missing is a question I have to answer. Don't have an answer. life at own terms is a luxury which ive been enjoying for a great amount of time now. Wonder why whats making me so gruesome.

Take me away, to a secret place, Take me away, A sweet escape, Take me away, To better days, Take me away, to a hiding place!

Lots of talk

2011-04-21T08:40:00.001-07:00

An opportune day to write! Lots of talk around. Everyone seems to be asking me one important single question. (Its imp coz I choose to give it importance, I know many who don’t waste their energy on such things). I don’t want to answer. Not an escapist by nature, turning into one looks like. Can see slight insecurity also creeping in. How does a woman full of herself like me feel like that?

Two days leave starting from tonight. Would be fun. If not, would at least look like fun. Loneliness is a state of mind, so is happiness. Life is not an enigma for me at the moment. I know whats happening with me. I know why its happening. I know how I can help it.

Earnings are times when I realise what I am capable of. Bad earnings these have been for me. I am distracted, in a fix, making mistakes which would cost me a deal (dread to even think abt that) and wanting to run away. Lesson learnt is a golden one. Professional life should be bereft of anything happening in one’s personal space. Forget about home, the minute you step out to catch your train.

Long nights are meant to ponder on all that’s gone, all that’s missed and all that one wouldn’t let happen again. Need a hug from my sisters. They sure would be proud of me at the moment. So much of it inside me, will remain there. Lets see who will be able to unlock it.

I think of water so many times in a day. I guess I should just join a club for a nice swim in the morning. Would help my water cravings!

Just gonna stand there & watch!

2011-04-03T00:46:00.000-07:00

On the first page of our story, the future seemed so bright. Then this thing turned out so evil, I don’t know why I’m still surprised. Even angels have their wicked schemes and you take that to new extremes. But you’ll always be my hero, even though you’ve lost your mind.

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn, But that’s all right because I like the way it hurts. Just gonna stand there & hear me cry. But that’s all right because I love the way you lie.

In this tug of war, you’ll always win even when I’m right cause you feed me fables from your hand and it’s sick that all these battlesare what keeps me satisfied So maybe I’m a masochist, I try to run but I don’t wanna ever leave, till the walls are going up in smoke with all our memories

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn, But that’s all right because I like the way it hurts. Just gonna stand there and hear me cry. But that’s all right because I love the way you lie.

Truth

2011-02-05T22:45:00.000-08:00

Truth. A breathtaking virtue. I beleive in it? yes. I opt to say it? yes. I have the heart to hear it? yes. I have the courage to accept it? sometimes. It perturbs me? sometimes. I wish it was otherwise? sometimes.

2011

2011-01-01T23:04:00.000-08:00

Its the new year 2011. Its taking time for me to write that. :)
Subtle. Smart & Stunning i want to be this year! Knowledge and wisdom are to rule. And the road ahead would be enlightening, enchanting! May people i love get all & more of what they desire & need. Such would be my happiness. :) Looking forward..

YEAR ENDDD!

2010-12-26T03:12:00.000-08:00

Really feel like writing today! From the very morning. So much so much on my mind. One to another to another. :) I am becoming more adamant my the day! Yes, thats true...its not good but true.The new year week-end is not thrilling my senses. Is it this city, or my work schedule or the company? i wonder..i'll do some jazz and wrap up this ultimatley intriguing, fascinating year, which turned my life up, down and then up again..! Ahh! i remember the beginning of this year, a year ago! And that beginning was one of its kinds. Started with confusion and more confusion and untimely collapse reverberating in a loop. Looks like its time to break that loop, to live my life with more peace.What the hell, at 22, i can't get a soundless sleep! Something or the other always on my mind. I am going to start smiling myself to sleep. Tomorrow's worries should belong there. And that should be my tentative resolution..:) I like it right now. Its exciting and i know there is so much to learn that i am grasping for breath! Will I be able to contain so much, will be unleashed in this 2012. Exhausting is as miserable as giving up. Guess i will try to consciously not exhaust. Lets see.I am being lazy. But being active wouldn't help either way. So i guess moderation is the key. Another resolution.This year has taught me some very big lessons. I think i can endure a deal, obviously with my pillars by my side. They are there, sooner or later and i love them. All i need now is a giant hug. A new year hug maybe. I guess i'll receive it via telephony. I want to see my mother and i am assuming i am going to make papa proud this coming year. So many hopes, aspirations, wants, wishes & expectations..Was I talking about living my life more peacefully!!!

Its alright! :)

2010-12-06T08:05:00.000-08:00

I wonder, wonder again and after a long time of wondering i have reached to the realisation that at the end of the day, everything is alright. You be a bitch, may be an asshole, you can be a cheat, you may be a liar. At the end of the day/month/year or the moment, its all absolutely okay.
I wonder if its this society i live in or the country i live in, that everything is acceptable & accepted sooner or later. The conversations/preachings that follow are even strang-er!
The few bits i know are simple. One chapter closes, to mark the end. Stupidity is intolerable. A dislike can never be enforced into a like. One's opinion is one's own. The further one stays away from the undesired, the more satisfied one feels. Success is a state of mind. Its alright to want something. Its alright to not want something. Its alright to refuse. Its alright to be the way one wants and with the people one wants. Its alright to not forgive, to never forget. Its alright to just be oneself.
At the end of the day, everything is alright. As long as you like it, its alright :)

Long enough to be posted..!

2010-11-22T06:18:00.000-08:00

I hear a lot of sweet bengali words, little incomprehensible somethings everyday. Life in Bombay is defined for me. There is a great rush, yet i am at peace. Can't stop marvelling at myself for the attitude i have here. Feels nice occasionally, though thinking about it too much would make me arrogant :) So just being subtle. The love for myself helps me stay in this city with immense happiness. Wish this love continues.

What this means to me, only i know. Hope to make it better in the coming time.
I am not an avid fan of 'now here-tomorrow where' lifestyle. I like to live in my comfortable zone, enjoy it for a while before tommorow's worries begin to trouble me. What's the point of living such a life? But the basic me is always thinking about whats next. The next moment, the next two hours, the next day, the next month. Forever. The mind's always racing. It compliments this city's requisites. Once i grow out of here, i shall learn to live in the present.
So many deals, scams so much news each day rally my dreams. I think of mergers, shares, companies and funds in my head all the time. Alice in wonderland days seem to have gone. I dont feel bad about it i wonder why. For the moment, its great. It helps me to be in sync. But in times to come, i want to think of more humane things.

The need to survive/sustain changes one's life upside down so much. I now firmly believe just anything can happen and happens, just anything. What's gonna happen of me also, will not surprise me one bit! :)

smiling.............:)

2010-08-04T10:22:00.000-07:00

Proving a point to each other was such a thing of the past ..i feel i was such a kid to do any of that sort..like some one said you will grow aashika, and from then i have just seen myself do so....all that is so childish, so ammateurish, so silly. i am glad i have grown out of that... and glad i can see that change...
Now i do as i please, for my self, for others, for all that matters to me, the way i want. Its pleasing. The day goes off being nice to everyone and the night in dreams...so many of them. I just keep smiling at myself for all that i think of.. Some days are upsetting which i like to pass in solace and silence...gone are the days when my unhappiness lead to anger and frustation. So glad that stage has crossed. Just in my own reverie..enjoying each day as it comes, living these moments, giving in so much more than my capacity. At the end of the day i feel good to have existed in this world with great people around, and the not so great people whom i know how to do handle without being the college girl i was..:) Life is just beautiful and my selections are so precious to me..

Waiting for these coming years to teach me all that i should know, to become a better human being, to feel even better about myself and to be able to do all that i have always wished to...:)

:)))

2010-07-26T10:17:00.001-07:00

Such a new new day…my new wallet, new perfume, new kurta, new garter and an absolutely new me at a completely new location! What a day it has been…! Shall remember it for a long time to come….:)

Up&DOWN

2010-07-16T05:44:00.000-07:00

WHOA! A week full of such extreme mixed emotions! It started with crying my heart out and is ending with laughing my lungs out. The weekend will surely be a beam of shopping places I would visit and a workshop which I am developing certain emotions for.

It has been an absolutely perplexing journey. I doubted myself is nothing new. What’s novel is the realization that other’s suggestions work better for me. With experience I know that I need to listen to human being, close to me, (rockstrong sorts..:) ) with my ears and brains both open. How much of it is to be applied is a choice but it has to be used compulsorily goes without much thought.

NOW! Embarking on a journey afresh that would decide many a things of the future.

Looking forward to the coming Tuesday...:)

Miss home a bit these days…. Waiting to wake up one of these days, for a few days and bother about nothing at all.

I think Mum’s make life so easy and worth living…:*

Have learnt quite a deal this week. May the coming ones also continue teaching me.

Numb..

2010-06-30T13:13:00.000-07:00

i absolutely adore the song from Once upon a time in Mumbai titled peee loon.. the video, audio everything...:)

That one person can take your breath away! :) Expecting him/her to take your worries away is a very futile expectation. The only person who can give you inner peace and solace is you yourself. I believe in this. Totally.

Once upon a time, i couldnt deal with myself. I can now, gladly!

Shedding tears after an absolutely distasteful day is not a sign of weakness. Its a sign of being alive.

Today some one said when in a firm, love just your work, nothing more, nothing less. Dont think thats really possible for me.

Every action, reaction is based on emotions. When you do things emotionless-ly, they collapse.

I have a need now, which i didnt have before. Wont give it much importance. It has the strength to take over my senses.

Everytime i think of it, i do nothing but stop myself. It gives me deep sorrow.

Something that insults me, reminds me of my incapability cant be held grudge against. It should just be allowed to pass.

I see every soul around me with a cigarette in their hand. I wonder if i will smoke my worries out too. Is my body incapable of handling the stress without an intoxicant or an external source of relaxation? i am yet to decipher this..

I am surviving where i am, coz of a single soul. Everytime i look at her, i think bloody hell, even i can do this.

July has begun. Didnt realize when this happened.

fugitive.

2010-06-22T14:32:00.000-07:00

The day has been an utterly exhausting one!

Everytime i decide i dont want to experience or do a particular activity, is when i am compelled to do it! The fact that i am not in full control of my life pisses me off.

Whatever i refrain from falls onto me. I am compelled to do it. I have to like it. If i do, i am compromising. And if i dont i am not grateful enough.

There is a fire inside me burning strong. It is to unleash what i desire. to say i dont know what i desire is false. To say i behave oblivious towards my desires would be right. Reasons are many, solutions are none. At the moment none.

Changes are a part of me. Living every minute of my life, i know not one of it will resemble the coming ones.

I want to learn many things. My minds continuously racing. Havent had a peaceful sleep in months. The coming ones dont look too promising either.

people around one, matter. And matter a great deal. They shape one's thoughts, ideas, virtues.

What goes around, comes around by Justin Timberlake.

When a man does it, its called experience. When a woman does it shes called a slut.

My evenings are aromatic. Swooningly strong cologne keeps them vibrant..;)

The sea has high tides and low ones. when its done with its drama, it becomes still.

Breathing.

Bombay!

2010-06-06T05:48:00.000-07:00

The one thing i should be doing right now is read some more news. And ici i am writing this post. Its again random.

Whenever a big day for me is nearing, something blasphemous falls unto me. It does what it is supposed to do and the big day remains no longer bigger. It becomes a real pathetic day. It breaks the broken me. This is for record guys. I dont have the capacity left anymore. DONT. NOTHING. NO ONE. PLEASE.

Bombay has made me humble. Sameer was right. He's mostly right. Been a great support all throughout this journey. When i get a job, i shall buy him a thank you gift.

The Bombay Times have made me stone, though i still have soft hands..;) What i have gone through in this little apartment of Andheri, i shall carry with as a memory. It will always be a reminder of the fact that i have not seen the worst. The worst is yet to be.

Today! is the day when i have felt worthless from the depth of my heart. Never again will I let myself feel this way. I am bold and i am beautiful. My eyes are wide open and i have never run away from reality. I have been a real strong woman.

If I were a boy, I think I could understand How it feels to love a girl I swear I'd be a better man..

Went for a random haircut today! my god, I really didnt need one. But it looks real good now. THanQ you Disha Aggarwal! i would have really killed that man there ;) :P

Les grandes pensées viennent du coeur....:)

2010-05-13T10:02:00.000-07:00

Voila! Here’s a new post with an absolutely new direction to randomness which exists within me...Based on the theory, nothing is really complicated…:)

Each thing in life is as complicated as we make it! It’s about how deeply we seek for it, how strongly we want it, how ruthlessly we deal with it, how desperately want to shrug it and finally how hopelessly we struggle with it!

Being at home for a few days has bestowed upon me the wisdom which had failed to fall upon me for months! I am struggling and it makes me wonder what I am struggling for.

Am I struggling for love? Which is in ample amount around me, such that I can feel it in my fingers and I can feel it in my toes... On this note, I have to admit i am in love with the concept of love.. I can make people feel loved, I can give them my energy, I can make them believe in me, purely to transmit love to them! (No malicious intent..;)) People who know me know this well about me... And they also know I don’t like to take their love, coz I know how dangerous it is! It’s very! And I have decided to change this about myself!

I wonder if I am struggling to gain respect. Which I have gotten in ample amount again, not from now, not from recently, but from being a child. I have always got respect, coz I have demanded it and it’s been great. The day I know, my respect is being trampled, is the day I change the course of my life, my total equation with the person concerned. People who know me know this well about me...I have the capacity to take decisions in a snap purely for the sake of respect and sticking on to those decisions, purely for the sake of my ego! This trend might be good, might be bad, but this is how it is…It’s dangerous! And I have decided to change this about myself...!

I wonder if I am struggling for existence. Which has never been a problem. God's been kind, and I have always been able to withstand everything, with strong pillars around me, protecting me, nourishing me...always! People who know me know this well about me too that I have lived for them, given my heart and soul to them. I have existed forever for the strong pillars of my life and it doesn’t make me feel bad to live for those who have given so much of them to me...I can’t say what this is, but it’s dangerous and I have decided to change this too about myself...

I wonder if I am struggling to retain my identity. Which I know is unique. I know there exists no one who can be like me, there exist no one who can replace me. I have believed in my identity always, never did anything to fit into some one else's shoes... (Though I have tried to fit into Ridhi's clothes always..;))And I feel good about it. A talk with a very old friend on a calm evening at the beach recently reminded me of how much I believe in myself, my ideas, my ideologies! I am so much in love with myself that it scares me...whether i have to change this about myself, is something I am yet to answer.

I wonder why I am struggling at all...when all I should do is live without struggle! And the realization dawned upon me that this struggle never existed until the day I invited it, MYSELF! And now I am left wondering.....!

Why would I want something which compels me to struggle? Why would I seek for something which fills me with a void so deep, beyond my reach? Why would I let something take a toll on my physical health, on my mental peace, on my life? Why would I lose myself when I have the choice of being stable...?
And so the decision!:)

I have decided to just be…

Just to see what can go wrong with just being...

:)

Anew..

2010-04-24T03:20:00.000-07:00

There is randomness in being oneself.

Have been cute for a long time, bored now. Getting back to the tough woman i always was. Its a choice.

Looking for a job in the media is not so easy, Really.

Got convinced once, and now yet again..

Things never happen the way i want. I am responsible for it.

I am never going to be wishing for anything with too much heart! Passionate no more.

A huge set back will show me my place. Want to get back there!

The Bombay Times have been appalling! Such is the void.

I am in love with myself all over again.

Its the end of a great beginning.

Such is my optimism, it scares me! How can a human live like this forever.

I am going to do justice with mum. Will prove i am as strong as she is. Amen.

2010-03-11T02:47:00.000-08:00

I don't know why i cant enjoy two joys at the same time! Every fucking time! i have to give up the 1st joy without wanting to give it up at all to be able to get the second joy! I am sick of it! It started when i was chosen for the school cabinet as a prep leader in fifth standard and my favorite friend left! and this bloody curse is haunting me ever since! I am going to talk to my astrologer about this! yuck! what a solution!

I have decided no comparisons! i just made one and it is making me fucking nervous! i can't believe i am actually sweating out of nervousness! Gawdddddddddddd!

I wish February and March never came in a year! I cant handle these months every fucking year. Its not this year! its every year! and its awful! i hate these months! they are so challenging, and so painful that they change the course of my life every every time!

When the reason for yearning to become physically beautiful fails, beauty becomes pointless! I know we become beautiful for ourselves and i myself say it. But dude! i am capable of doing it for a reason! and it has failed horrendously! And its making me feel no good!

Looking at my frame of mind, i think i just need a couple of drinks! and the world will be a happier place to live in! actually, as an afterthought i think the world is beautiful and its full of beautiful people. Wanting to be with beautiful people of this world is no sin! Wanting more and more people is human.

A must have in my handbag has become a Glucose pack! AND! i am capable of fainting anywhere, after hearing anything and being with anyone! And i thought i was strong! I am really tired of this nonsensical fainting business!

Friends at school kept telling me Aashika Jain dont get wasted doing journalism! Pursue Pyschology! you are good at it! Look at me today! i need a psychiatrist more than anyone! LOL!

My mum just keeps looking at me, waiting to hear what i have in mind!

The surprise i got on 10th March is also gonna be remembered for a long long fucking time to come!

what a day!

2010-03-08T13:41:00.001-08:00

I want to wish my dear cute candyball a very beautiful day. May all her dreams come true...:*:*

For the surprise i got on 5th March, i will be overwhelmed for a long long time! :)

I have finally adopted the more feminine approach in my style. Soft and subtle, not feeble! I realize that i have always had a thing for shallow things in life and i have also been bothered about even shallower problems. I think I have risen to some extent, though some of it is still to be worked upon.

I realize men are all the same. No better, no worse! The one reason i would want a man in my life would be to have my own children. I don't see any other pertinent reason to be dependent on a man, or to be even be with a man. They are all the same anyway!

I am currently reading Chetan Bhagat's Book 'the 2 states' and frankly the book has depressed me more than impressed! I am never going to read another book dealing with such an issue! And dude, its more fairytail-ish than any sort of reality! SHAZ MOHAMMAD said its a good book!!

I dont know y we have a women's day. is it to say the rest 364 days are for men? lol! I like to celebrate my womanhood all through the year. However i can celebrate the greatness of other women on one particular day of the year. No problem with that.

I watched the furore over the Women Reservation Bill on TV. Also the pre, post debates! I think its high time it is cleared. I am in total support of it.

Good things happen with good people.

tired..!

2010-03-02T13:37:00.000-08:00

have to wake up so early tom, but gonna write a bit...i have realized how my dependency on newspapers is increasingly increasing...owing to the laziness i have towards switching the computer on! where i used to read all that i could lay my hands on. But now, no more..i just grab my newspaper which doesn't feel as pathetic i used to find it earlier.

I am tied up forever these days, if not in some sort of work or activity, then in thoughts, feelings and ideas. Things are becoming crystal clear to me. In the process of amassing knowledge, i am foregoing some of my staunch inhibitions and it feels indifferent.

My next read is going to be Nine lives by William Darlymple..he's fascinating. I have come to a conclusion that i am actually a good human being. Had self-doubts, no more...!

And ya, the entire february has been enigmatic! a month of good wealth, bad health! fantastic professional life and drastic personal life.. its been a month of busy-ness and worthless-ness, its just been bon jours and mauvais chances!

finally its over..! and the start of something new! what, how, when are still unanswered...its just a beginning!

A Blogpost!

2010-01-31T12:21:00.000-08:00

i always write a blogpost in a word document first and then copy it in this space provided. This is my first non-altered POST. I think its a good sign..:)

I have a searing headache but writing for my urge to write so many things i think i will write today, it then becomes tom and has been pending from dont know when.
i read a brilliant article in Times life about how employment describes our identity at the third place after name and parents. it dealt with how we never know in our entire lifetime who we are or have been. the same edition also had an article what knowing yourself. It was by one of my favorite feature writers: Vinita Dawra Nangia. Her thought is profound! Every article of hers finds space in my life and scheme of things. She says "Can anyone doubt how much in love with ourselves we all are? And this without knowing who we really are! "

A quote from the same article by Former model Simar Dugal sums up philosophically in her comment, “Would rather bear the ills we have than fly to others we know not of....”

I have been thinking on these lines for almost every night before sleep. it looks like It'll involve years of ardent thinking before i can decipher the depth of these facts. I have evolved to be more spiritual than i thought i was. I am listening to myself deeeeeeeep.

I am on the roll for reasons i dont know i like, i unlike...i have no idea whats happening. I am going with the flow, i have always gone with the flow. Have never imagined the end result of my drastic step i have taken. It started with love then friends, family, career....its just going on. What starts once continues for life and what ends once finishes for life! such inflexibility has embarked upon me that i think i will almost always remain like this, rather i think its this choice which has (i feel)helped me steer through and i will tag on it. Its doing me some good. Looks like that. Or maybe not! I have no idea whats happening!

I have been lucky to have some souls around me who help me succumb to their cocoon. Having grown up like that, its a need i cant fore go.

The rest, i am out of touch! This month has been staggering! I have been cooking every now and then! And the only one who connects with me within is my own self! i think People take the right when you give it to them and i give rights no more! i dont know the reason behind it!
Its bizarre!

Time Heals..

2010-01-12T12:28:00.000-08:00

Six months and my thought about myself has changed! :)

I like myself much more than before. I like how I look, how I think. I also like what I have done and plan to do. Regrets are a thing of the past. I know I faced many a situations which I disliked utmost-ly at that moment. I now know the significance of them all. They have made me what I am and I have started admiring myself for it. I was self-obsessed forever but I was such an optimist I realized in these six months only! I think my name should have been ‘Santoshi’..:)

I didn’t fight for my favorite student (only girl in a batch of most rowdy boys! All junior kids kicked abt bullying the opposite sex coz its abt their cool quotient!) till today at the institute and alas came today when she fought back herself. Each individual fights his/her own battle. Expecting others to fight it for you is living a fantasy. Accusing people for not fighting your war for you is even worse. One’s battles are one’s own. I guess even ‘Princess Jasmine’ suits me…:)

I love fabrics. The only profession I would choose if I fail at becoming some one in the Media is Fashion designing. I want to buy different fabrics and make bizarre combinations. I want to wear all of them. I love Silk! I have amassed the knowledge abt all kinds of silk. I don’t mind being called ‘Silky’..:)

I see maturity from a distance here. It can engulf me anytime, its waiting to grab me and take me in its embrace. I am not running away. I am keeping it at an arm’s length. This maturity will make me a full-fledged aunty! I prefer being the semi-aunty that I am. Women I teach who are almost my mother’s age insist I be called ‘Aashika Mam’ and so for more than half the day I am called ‘Mam’…:)

To really love a woman, To understand her - you gotta know it deep inside, Hear every thought - see every dream, N' give her wings - when she wants to fly, When you love a woman you tell her, that she's really wanted, she needs somebody to tell her, that it's gonna last forever, You got to give her some faith - hold her tight, A little tenderness - gotta treat her right, She will be there for you, takin' good care of you, Ya really gotta love your woman...I love being called a ‘Woman’…:)

New yearrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

2010-01-08T12:15:00.000-08:00

Here’s my first post of the year! :D:D

Mainu ki farak padhta hain. hain ji? !! ;)

PR and the jazz I can not do! Kissing people’s ASS is so not my style! :-I

Sympathy out! Empathy in…;)

A man can never complete me. I think I can so complete a man. B-) ;)

People who make sure they buzz me online just to remind me I haven’t gotten a job in the media, give me a break! I will inform each one of you personally when I get into a cool channel. B-) And for now, I am teaching spoken English and French, spoken and written of course!

I can be hypocritical, many times. ;) And so I have decided to write a book when I am 50! ;) till then check out this space for more philosophies…hahaha :P:P ;) B-)

One reaps what one sows! Being a saint for a long time is sort of difficult! :P

Once I lost my complete access to facebook for a brief time, I realized the futility of its productivity! Now FB is just another thing! In my life of course, to be politically correct! ;)

I don’t look back.

I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes…

2009-08-15T12:04:00.001-07:00

Been ages since I wrote…not that I don’t write but I write and keep it in a folder.

I don’t like this business of growing up. Its making me politically correct. I like to be what I am, say what I like, I am not going to alter things to comfort others. Period.

I am tired of working on myself. Like really...I have been working on practically everything and I don’t love it totally. I want to work on something which I don’t crib about, I want to do it for myself.

I am obsessed with beauty and beautiful things.

Teaching will always be a hobby for me. I shall not make it a profession. I should not.

Being a bit over weight makes a human think negatively of oneself, if at all he/she is bothered about it. I am overweight, I am bothered about it and I am thinking negatively of myself.

Remembering the past is the most convenient past time.

I am looking for work, anyone who has killer contacts can contact me. A friend in need is a friend indeed..:P

Knowledge is not gold. It is diamonds. Priceless. Not everyone can possess diamonds. I have started envying the one person I have suddenly started thinking of as knowledgeable.

I am going to overcome my pessimism. Love is all we need..:)

The road is not taken...!

2009-05-23T10:42:00.000-07:00

The road is not taken...

things are sure to change

Another wave I don’t want to fight..

Looks like I’ll have to withstand

I dreamed of things so merry, so happy…of what I wanted, how I wanted!

I find it differently now, missed opportunities, dreams vanished

It would be tough, it will be bitter

It might be bright and sunshine once I sail through

But the reverie was brighter...

The future will unfold what I see not

It will unleash what I dream not

it will be what I hope not...

Gathering the strength again

To hold what I will never contain

It would be deep inside me

Like the past remains...

The future is yet to be

I just hope i can tolerate

Still cant believe

The road is not taken...

Manipal my sweet love…

2009-05-13T06:04:00.000-07:00

There are just so many things I will miss manipal for, so many people so many places! This blog post is sure to be of nostalgia and carefree-ness. For writing in a blog is not journalism…No ethics involved, no tweaking! Let the thoughts flow and let them be random. For the right to thought and opinion is one’s own.

Four more days and il be gone to where I belong. The most exhilarating Rajasthan… these three years in this land of dreams has shaped me, made me who I am. I’ll miss lots of things…

The greenery: its breathtaking. I have never seen so much greenery before. Of course I am from Jaipur so it makes sense. But I love this greenery, it gives me a feeling of life.

The beach: the first beach I saw was when I came here. Though I am really bored of beaches, I guess il miss them when I wont see them….

The water: there is water everywhere you travel. Vast expanses of water. I love the Maravanthe water stretch out of all I have seen. Though it so much water and moisture here that one can get frustrated I still think il miss seeing water everywhere.

The cheap eating joints: these are not so cheap if you are associated with a member of the Greenply family but still…

Open bar: I don’t think I will visit an open bar in Jaipur or any where. Il miss this utmost freedom in Manipal.

Basil: I like that place. I love the present ambience. I wish we went together atleast once to dine in this new set up Basil has..its beautiful

13th Block: I guess I am in love with this hostel. Its clean, the akkas are good. The only fuck up is the perm time, it didn’t create too much problems…and even if it did, I just dealt with them.

The matrons: they are so irriatating. Now they are friends with me but once they called mum when I came late…gawd I wanted to kill them then…

Room No. 303: I have lived for three years in this room. Its like my little home..:(

Fresh and Honest: I will thoroughly miss fresh and honest. I have given them cool business for all these three years. I love coffee at any time of the day. These days I also socialize with the akkas occasionally. And I am in awe for most of them. About sixty percent of them are students like me, they work part time and keep reading their books.

The gossip sessions: dude, I love gossiping. But when it turns around its nasty. So I learnt a few rules and unlearnt some. Now I know when to say what and to whom, so not a major issue. Gossip sessions will still be on..:D

The peace: when you want to be with yourself you can be with yourself. Look at the sky at the night, take a walk around, go to the end point or the children’s park, take a cup of coffee and take off. Il miss this peace ….so much!

The noise: manipal is a noisy place. Go around and people will be shouting in the campuses. Our college has suddenly become an exception. Havent heard anyone shout in the recent months. There has been a lot of noise in these three years, about everything, every one, about me, about him, about her….i’ll miss these noises. They are deep inside me somewhere….will continue them to echo.

The freedom: the absolute freedom I got in the first year. I loved it. Then the concept of freedom changed but still I loved it. I will miss this freedom to do what I liked, the way I liked.

TMJ: I liked working for TMJ. It was a way of doing what I wanted to do but didn’t know how to do. Learnt a great deal. I liked the organization.

Nazlah: my first room mate who first met me and said “be at your own guard here baby, no one is your own in Manipal except your boyfriend, which I hope you don’t intend to have…haha….ridhi will kill me..” lol…I understood what she said on the last day of Manipal. Owe her so much….and I think she is the most beautiful woman I have seen. Muah..!

Davina: has taught me that if a person can learn to live with him/herself then nothing can break him/her. She sings beautifully.

Joanne: Different. I like.

Raj: the Best and the Worst. My little “powerful” baby..:P

Anadi: he is Thee man. I like him

Raga: She has changed a lot of me. Its unconscious, sub-conscious. Its just between her and me. Don’t think she knows abt it though.

Prasanna: I got him jaipuri chappals and he never wore them The next time you meet me in life il buy you new ones ok..

Ami: The bestest. And my favourite.

Roshan: she likes rajasthan and I will see her soon in jaipur. Our thoughts are opposite and i enjoy talking to her.

Surbhi: I will miss her so much…not funny.

Ram: I hate him. And he owes me an apology. I love him. And I don’t want to lose him ever.

To be continued……….

R@nd*mness!!

2009-05-02T06:34:00.000-07:00

Raga since you insisted i have posted this...i still say there is randomness in one's thoughts! and yes, i have tweaked it a bit ;)

I always felt the grass was greener in the other people’s pastures. After three years of Manipal my perception has changed completely. Satisfaction and contentment can be found only within yourself. You can’t hunt for it outside. And now I know, any one who appears happy is not necessarily happy.

I have realized that each individual has his/her own insecurities. If you try to touch on their insecurities they become defensive. Lets say some even become bitter after a point of time. All of what I write applies to me too coz I don’t say anything before applying it on myself. Especially when I talk about others! No one needs to write another blogpost to tell me that i should apply what I say to myself too..:P.

Anyway, coming back to my blogpost, I personally feel that Manipal actually doesn’t change you. It just makes you the person you always wanted to be. No one can make me dope as long as I never wanted to do it. No one can make me show off my cleavage lest I always wanted to do it. The concept of peer pressure in Manipal is total bullshit. If a person does something he always wanted to do it and I don’t find anything wrong with it! What goes wrong with this concept is when people are not bold enough about what they do. this makes them insecure. I might myself gossip abt a few of such people who I find are complete insecure idiots who cant be bold abt what they like, who they like, their lifestyle, everything.

But I personally also admire those who do things they like and that too with panache. There are very few selected people I know who are not insecure, they do what they like, stay with people they like, they even stay alone to be themselves, to express themselves, and I am in awe for such souls, who are peaceful. I respect them totally. But gossiping is completely different from being judgemental. i think i have no right to pass judgements on others. i can always gossip coz i like to tho..;):D

Manipal gives you a lot of freedom and each one likes to exploit this freedom to pursue their dreams or lets say wishes. When I think of how I have used this freedom, I know that it wasn’t a futile activity. Its nice if at the end of the day you don’t feel lost. However, betraying yourself in the name of freedom is not so cool.

I love Manipal for the freedom it gave me, the way it made me realize my insecurities, the way it helped me judge where I belong and also for the experiences it gave me owing to the diversity of people we have here. These three years weren’t so easy but now after they have crossed I can say I have learnt and learnt a great deal. I am at peace with this place and also within, for now I am clear what I always liked and what I will never be able to like.

:)

A Restless today..

2009-04-06T08:38:00.000-07:00

Complacence is sin! I know, and still I could dare to be complacent. Over-amibitiousness is sin again! Yet, i am saving the courage to be. There is a way things have been planned for all these years for me. And now is the time when I have the time, liberty and the responsibility of planning all the things for myself. Confused and scared. Unwilling and hopeless….i just wish things were simpler.

Changes have been such an intergral part of my existence. The minute I feel this is exactly how I want things the world turns around. From childhood its been the same. Its only now I understand this game and will be careful in playing it in future.

The manipal chapter for me ended and now manipal will get over in less than a month. This land of dreams has made me what I am, shaped my thoughts and my conduct. Can’t say how much I love this place. Like neeta mam says love can be quantified and measured, I certainly don’t want to do that. I am in love with manipal and it is my first love whatsoever..:P

Its just a recent addition that it kills me sometimes to think of some good times spent here, knowing they can never come again. Life moves on, and so will I, like some one gave me the option! But I guess now is the time to move to a new land and explore greater nuances of human existence and her social importance.

A matter plaguing me right now right here is my future- a faint ray of hope wakes me each morning. I have come to realize I am an optimist (considering many ppl’s comments about how pessimistic I am, I can still say this.) I know il do well in life, don’t know about the satisfaction I will get from it for I have lived most of my life for people I love and their satisfaction, will continue doing so, I like it that way.

This semester has again been a breathtaking one. Goa! Article 19! Australia! The work! Bali! And then will be the wedding! And then the future…..i just wish things were simpler.

Let her be..

2009-03-07T23:36:00.000-08:00

Cultural feminism, is what I believe in. Man and woman are neither equal nor do they need to be equal to each other. The differences are celebratory.
Let us celebrate them. Let human beings live and let live.

Women don’t need to be taught by a bunch of monkeys what to wear and what to consume, when to return back from work and when to conceive.
Let each individual be free to make the choice of living.

Women make sacrifices, live for others, work till the end of their breath, and it gets unnoticed. I know very few women who talk about all the effort they make towards a task in their lifetime. They undergo pain and resentment, rejection and accusations. Let her feel loved, let her know life without her is difficult.

Women are expected to smile at every gathering, ignore all the problems and address to the needs of her loved ones, kill her ego and be a pleasant company to her stressed counter part. She holds the onus of keeping personal affairs to herself, be silent, hold back her tears, paste a smile again.
Let her taste the freedom of expression.

Let her drooping shoulders be unburdened. Let her aching secret desires be fulfilled. Let her taste the flavour of happiness, let her break all barriers, transcend all bounds. Let her be, be with herself. Let her be who she is. Let her be a woman...

Views n cues.....

2008-11-17T00:28:00.000-08:00

I learnt this a while back but posting my views on it only now..

i have learnt now that people don’t deserve my concern and I should be careful in giving it to anyone. I don’t like the idea of feeling guilty for others. I don’t need to do it. What’s the point of feeling bad for others succumbing to habits I think are inappropriate!!!

Every person has a right to make a choice and think about it in his/her own perspective. We as humans are no one to tag anything as the wrong or the right thing. But here what’s important to understand is that habits and virtues are different concepts. The person who knows the real difference between the two is in my opinion a happier person. (In terms of satisfaction I mean)

Everything seems right in the beginning and you are most enthusiastic when u begin to know about it. It looks interesting, impressive, attracting and delicious. Once you know it all, the law of diminishing marginality starts showing its effects. This fact applies to every facet of life, every action, every thought. By the time you realize what’s happening you are completely lost in it. Come back is possible for strong headed people though it is accompanied by guilt or justifications.

Every action of yours has an impact on you. It’s never for just a month, a year or a decade. It becomes a part of either your nature or your character. However fear is what pulls you back always. If you fear something or say fear someone you always tend to correct your actions, habits based on the social conception of the

‘right thing.’

The society is bound by rules and restrictions, which were imposed by a group of people because they thought those, were the right things to do or follow. But anyone who doesn’t want to abides by those rules has full right to think differently and also practice different things altogether. Forcing anyone to believe in anything without giving him/her to the chance to understand it is sin.

I recently watched Fashion, a Madhur Bhandarkar’s film which has been widely criticized for excessive nonsensical show of sex and drugs in the industry. I think the film made sense in some ways. It made me think that maybe the media is like that too. Full of betrayal, dirty competition and hypocrisy. I don’t know but these three years have actually prepared me a bit to face such a thing. I have become cautious and fearing now.

Besides all these philosophical realizations I have exams in a week’s time. I need to start studying, need to complete a lot of work before that too. And ya, fix up my career plans which are still hazy after so much toil. Sigh!

Random..

2008-11-07T05:24:00.000-08:00

Random post again as there is randomness in being oneself...

There have been a series of events in this time which just flew past I don’t know when. There have been times when I have been so occupied that I forgot that I needed my cup of chai all day long (this is very unusual)and there have been times when I have felt so free that I have actually dreamed of things I always fantasized (like becoming a well paid news reader..:P)

In all this confusion from one mode to another, I have learnt a lot about work, life, relations, relationships, social conduct and the value of freedom.

Freedom has a price and i am now ready to pay..

I now completely agree to what I read in one of Paulo Coelho’s book that people are slaves to luxury, to the appearance of luxury and to the appearance of the appearance of luxury. (For those who are touchy:-Luxury is a subjective term…:P) and luxury is a vast canvas too…..it has consequences like competition, peer pressure, insecurity etc…somethings which I think any student town can give.

Also that people are afraid of any change that would upset the world they have grown used to. in my opinion i am out of this category as of now!

Manipal teaches you so much each day. I think it’s the fact that u live alone and take decisions all by yourself and so in the process you learn about yourself, your wants, wishes, weaknesses… many things.

There have been a million changes since the time I have come here. These would be in my physical appearance, on which I am working still, my thought process, which has been evolving ever since, my social circle, I am slowly returning back to what I enjoyed always, remoteness. (it has taken a full parabola and I have gotten back to the original)...this reminds me of my 1st semester when i used to walk down to CCD all by myself to buy a tin of CCD choco chip cookies every friday..:) But out of all, my emotional quotient seems to have more or less remained the same.

I know changes are inevitable and I think I am getting used to them. (i can no more think of buying CHOCO CHIP COOKIES looking at my increasing waistline...sigh!!)From the beginning to the end of Manipal every aspect of my life has been changing randomly and rampantly. I wish I could control them to suit what I like, but they just keep happening on their own. I guess I’ll just have to deal with them. Period.

Relationships!!......are beautiful:)

2008-09-09T04:42:00.000-07:00

I believe relationships are pious. And when they are like love relations the sanctity becomes four folds. There are beautiful feelings, feelings which can just not be put in words and which are realized at different stages in life. The world seems like a wonderful place to live in when these realizations are realized. I have recently realized the importance of one such association in my life. This was written a while back but it has a lot to do with my present frame of mind (this term is plagiarised….:P):-Today mum and I went for shopping. She was quite enthusiastic to buy me all that I wanted. From Cute clips to colourful bands and minty suparis to khatta aam papad. I had a nice time. and I remembered time spent with mum before. You know mothers are so important. They teach what no one can tell and they preach that their children generally can’t comprehend. There have been so many occasions when mum and I have gone shopping and have had a race. She always told me how she walked so fast when she was as young as me and then we would both try to walk faster than each other consciously and behave like its all normal speed for us. Today, I noticed that she has developed some problem in her legs. She just mentioned she was having some minor pain but I never thought it was serious. It was difficult for her to climb the stairs and she was so exhausted after an easy one floor shopping that I was amazed. Age is the worst and the best enemy of man. When I think of Ma I know she’s ageing. She does everything with such vigour and passion that I fall in love with her even more. So caring and so compassionate, I wish god gives her a beautiful old age. So much pain and not a word of the feeling is something only a woman can do. She is a great woman and the greatest mum. On the way back in the car she explained to me how girls need to be so careful of going alone to dark places. And how all places are not Bombay like. She kept quoting examples from her life to make it look like this conversation just came out of the blue and she had no intention of making a point. She kept asking me my views and very carefully studied them. Mothers are so important. This love relationship with her is becoming stronger with each realization. My strength, my courage, my identity and my very being lies in her existence. I miss her so much.

04/08/08, Thursday

2008-09-05T05:43:00.000-07:00

I wrote this yesterday but coudnt post….u see the internet is still giving some problems..sigh!
04/08/08, Thursday: Today was a pretty interesting day…saw some melodrama in the morning and met some learned people in the evening.:)
Since I have paid 150 bucks for the yell membership I get to attend some workshops which are meant exclusively for its members. Ha..! anyone can come actually…its fun most of the time. Last time was a shout out on parent’s rights to abort their child in cases of any genetic disorder and this time it was a handwriting analysis workshop.
The most interesting part of the workshop was that kartavya, the analyst who has been learning since the last four and half years analysed people’s handwritings at the end of the session. He told us that there were 25rules of seducing…lol and about the peppermint theory!!.....pretty amusing
Was a tiring day….i am actually happy for some people around me. This doesn’t normally happen with me since I am the non-social kinds. I don’t emotionally connect with most people and it takes a long time for me to think good of others. But this time I seem to feel happy for some body else’s happiness. I am happy for this change in myself. I hope he/she stays happy always and continues to enjoy every moment of it.
Amen.

Just another one....

2008-09-01T10:57:00.000-07:00

I am again writing a post after a long long time. I am quite amused by the way people pretend to like each other just for the heck of social relations, lets say public relations. For instance I recently attended a gathering in which most of the people hate each other from the core of their hearts, they all have issues with each other and all of think no end of themselves. Yet I saw them pretending to enjoy each other’s company and boast about it the next day.

I believe Manipal gives people reasons to people to behave in this stupid way. One is that they all want to be a part of the gang, its called ‘our bunch’. Its pride for some to be associated with those who are a bit popular or let us put it appropriately to be with those who are unpopular. And for some the main reason is that they don’t seem to have an identity of their own. They are recognised by the people they stay with. This is indicative by the fact they are not able to speak for nuts when alone but when they get the shelter of their so called protectors they behave brave and invincible.
It is pretty interesting to see the behaviour of such people during parties, social gatherings and when they have to prove points to each other and the world.
Also the game of taking credit and trying to prove to the world that others don’t or can’t work as efficiently as they can, proving points to each other and blah blah blah, some bullshit, seem so amateurish and immature to me.
I pray I stay away from this crap for the rest of my term in Manipal. I have recently had some experience and it’s pretty amusing.
This was one issue…
The next is about people who feel they would be able to hide things in Manipal. As mentioned before in my posts, I strongly feel that nothing remains in the close realms of one person’s thought in Manipal. If one knows something, people ultimately get to know about it. This makes it very stupid for the one who is desperately trying to conceal. I recently encountered such a dumb act and I am still quite amused by it. I like to keep my distance with such people. They completely fail to understand that they no one is interested and it doesn’t matter to any one.
Nevertheless I am content here. I find people’s idea of ‘its last year guys, don’t miss out on anything’, very gay. As mentioned before in one of my posts, I think ‘excess of anything is bad.’ So I shall maintain equilibrium, mentally, physically and emotionally. Shall do all I think can make me happy. Personal satisfaction is bliss
{I have heard that once you pen down your negative thoughts, room is created for positive thoughts in the mind.}

Manipal is a beautiful place. I am in love with this place and will remember it for years to come.

long time ago....

2008-07-17T22:33:00.000-07:00

It’s been quite a long time since I wrote something. Not like I have many readers of this particular blog but it has become like my ranting portal. So it’s dear to me. :) Its great to know that this portal will not be judgemental, like how humans around me are. This reminds me of what my yoga guru, Rameshwar, said in one of his yoga sessions. His name sounds like he’s like some spiritual baba kind of Sadhu preaching yoga but he’s pretty interesting and cute. A firang who migrated to Jaipur to follow the Ashram system fifteen years back. I was quite taken aback when I got to know he is my mum’s age.:( He said one should learn to introspect. And introspect without being judgemental or making decisions about oneself. When you introspect, the motive is not to get depressed or regret for what you do. The motive is to become a better person happily. But all the time analysing your deeds is bad for health. I got his point.
I guess some ppl around me think like that too. The other day a casual chat with a gtalking junior made me realize I have been analysing too much in life. I need to get a hold. And alas I am trying which is great for now.
U see, it’s always difficult for me to make myself understand anything easily. Or for anyone to convince me. so life has become a bit difficult on that front.
Now moving on to the non-philosophical part of this post. I interned in June in Delhi. We were just in our fourth semester of clg and suddenly most of my classmates were going to different organisations all over India to intern (since its compulsory, every1 was at least searching and getting confirmations as vacations were nearing.) for my internship I was happily banking upon the Greenply contacts without toiling hard as others. So, She finally got an internship fixed for her lazy laid back friend. And I packed my bags for Delhi.
Went to the office on the first day to realize that I had to go from one building to another to find people who were to interview me, ignoring all those you-don’t-belong-here looks and smiling at all those brutal interviewers who hated the fact that I chose to converse in English. When I started a conversation in Hindi, the interviewer would ask if I didn’t know how to talk in English and if I talked in English they were offended and explained to me the problem of today’s youth. It was a tough first day at work. And so, followed the next 29days.
This one month period taught me a great deal. All the time I kept learning something new about the broadcast world, about people, about social conduct and about myself.
The greatest thing I learnt there was to chose my words carefully. I learnt to listen. I just had to deal with everything, all on my own. Its not new, every1 does it but this time for me, it was with an entirely more matured crowd than I had ever been with at anytime in life. So finished the first ten days when I wanted to run away back home. The next ten, when I learned the most and the last ten, when Zee had become like home. Just when I started being comfortable with the surroundings it was time to leave and I wished I would stay longer.
I was always curious to know more. I have heard Curiosity leads you to great heights. Coz when you r curious you work hard to know more and solve the mystery behind all your queries and that may lead to great inventions. In the midst of this curiosity i realized something else also. I realized that an intern learns everything. And a month’s time can give any1 a fair idea of what he/she wants to know. If not during internship then when he/she gets the job. He gets to do everything and gets to prove his full potential when time comes. And this realization made me a bit comfortable if not complacent about what I had to know and learn from this one entire month. So, I was curious and not over-curious. But this is was not the same case with few of my fellow interns. I forget to mention before. We were about eight interns at the newsdesk in one building. The rest of the interns were in the other five building that zee owns at the Film city. Since this place was so big, I was always confused and wandering how to reach to the Promos section, the tape library, the VCR, the ingest room and back to the newsdesk.(my areas of work). I once happened to go to the sports section which was two basements down the groundfloor of one of the buildings and got so horrified that I ran up screaming. Delhi has a sad image you see and I thought the guard gave me wrong directions. And imagined thousand other possibilities which any normal human being would have. That place looked so harry potter dungeon kinds. I ran back from the stairs itself. And got yelled at by the producer at the desk. So, getting back to interns, the few of us who got friendly were all curious people, yearning to learn the maximum we could from our 30days. I learnt that being over-competitive and over-ambitious is worse than being complacent. And we, as amateurs tend to forget when we cross that thin line. “Excess of anything is bad for health” says Rameshwar.

Facebook | Sticky!

2008-07-10T00:16:00.000-07:00

Facebook | Sticky!

Bye bye Manipal...

2008-05-25T12:20:00.000-07:00

This post is written in the bus…:)
I am on my way back home from manipal, the land of dreams and ambitions, the land where students come sane and become insane…some lose their identity and some learn to live as hypocrites…they start believing in the concept of ‘its just for these three-four years and then I’ll be back to my original self’…in the name of three years they try every possible thing in this land of dreams….its all about being cool for some, they think owning an ipod, dolby speakers, a flat and a mobile worth a middle class clerks salary is cool….still in this pool of fakers are some who are focused, who toil hard each day in the hope of becoming some1 one day…and in this they struggle between these two lives. ..both the lives are good and happy. Ignorance is bliss and some people live like that forever..its aweird world….u think u want something and u end up getting something else…..in all this I learnt a few things in manipal
• Never crib about others and their habits, u never know why a person does a particular thing, what is his agenda in life and how confused he is …….i don’t think a drunkard in manipal student crowd can be blamed for being spoiled. How would I know what his previous lifestyle has been, his bringing up, what has he seen in life and what all mess is he involved in.. maybe there are so many questions in his life and that he wants to run away and never face realities.
• Nothing remains in the close realms of one person’s thought in manipal. anything about any1 is known to the entire world. i don’t seem to like a person;s ways and the entire college knows that I hate the person. U see whatever gets transported from one person’s mouth to another’s ear has some new interesting and spicy elemant added to it.
• There are very few people in this world who are transparent and are straight on the face. These people don’t have any grudges and live a peaceful life because they compel others to know how they feel or think about others. The lifestyle they live is better than the rest of course. But its hard to be like that u know. And besides keeping this as a virtue forever is another difficulty.
• One should learn to be happy in how much you have, coz you have so much more than some others.
• Each individual has a problem of a different nature. No1 is more happy or less happy. There are problems with every1 and each one has to learn to deal with them. Nobody will deal them for you, not every 1 can be guided or say guided well or even have good ppl to guide them. Never think your own problems are the biggest and only you don’t have a solution. Life is difficult and its our responsibility to make it easy.
• Also that close friends are precious. They can be irritating and overpowering sometimes but they are your saviours. They love you and take care of you always in every situation. Never lose those who are genuine.
• As long as you are doing the right thing be happy. Don’t get judgemental on others.
• A person’s nature and character are two different things. They can never be equated. A guy could be a womaniser but a very helping one at the same time.
I have realized some of the most important virtues in manipal. it has helped me to understand myself to a greater extent and come in terms with my inner fears.
I am now fearless, boundless and happy. I know the world is a nasty place and I have to remain sane to sail through unlike many others around me. Also that I dread only one year is left in manipal. I love this land of dreams so much that It will be painful to leave it one day...

Strings..

2008-04-29T00:21:00.000-07:00

its been a long time since I have been wanting to write this particular post. This doesn’t not describe my present mind frame but yes this thought is always at the back of my mind. This one is basically a continuation of the one I wrote earlier about me &myself. Just for ease these are the lines I am continuing on.

I think things are different. I cant have my own way though I always desperately try to have it.(which is not a pleasant thing to do…n so initiates a million problems) But the real problem in a life like mine is that even in personal life I cant have my own way. There are just too many complications…and I guess that’s the reason y im so pissed off all day. i follow my heart all the time and have to pay for it heavily too. I don’t seem to understand why any human being has a problem just because someone’s opinion is different than his..!! all people are different and think differently. If they are made to think in a particular way they might in the process lose their true identity…or even feel inefficient.

Elaborating more on the complications, I think I have too many strings attached in my life. Its not that I prefer being a loner but I am confused with so many strings attached. I just want to experience the freedom of doing my own thing without thinking of the consequences and the reactions my various stringers will give me. Now, again let me make it clear, I am not in such a difficult situation as many women in this world are. I am not forced or compelled to do anything or any job. I don’t suffer exploitation and indifference from people around me and I am not accused or abused ruthlessly for being a woman or in other words being myself.

I am attached to human sources in two ways, one is by nature and the other is self-made strings. I don’t want any string to break. All are too dear to me for that but again I feel suffocated at some point in my everyday life when I feel I should just be with myself. the other day I met a woman who told me that she had left everything and her life was only about meditation. The next day I saw her swimming at the beach all alone. She had no strings attached. She had left everything and was doing her own thing. She wanted to be with herself and there she was, all alone. At that particular moment I realized the importance of strings in one’s life. It’s often said that people realize the importance of things or say people in their absence. That may be the case with me. Just that I pity myself all the time for feeling choked with strings attached and feeling horribly lonely when there are none. As I have mentioned in my posts before I get convinced each time I think that I am a contradiction within myself. Also, that each time I attempt to solve the enigma within myself I realize that both sides are equally important. You cant live with something and you cant live without it too.(this statement is particularly for people who can not have a single opinion about smth like me….!!)

I read recently in some1s blog about taking the middle path…I think taking this middle path has made me weak!!

EnDs & MeAnS

2008-03-28T05:22:00.000-07:00

I am like the luckiest person on earth…

On the personal front my parents are wise and they think me to be wise…they love and trust me completely..i am the youngest daughter(I ve a younger brother also) and quite pampered at home ….my siblings love me too….even in college I have the best of friends I could ever hope for ….besides close friends I am friendly to most of the people in class and I assume they find me ok….

On the finance front…ive enough money from mum&papa(both give me separately most of the times) to fulfil my fantasies and now I also earn some small time money through a local channel in Udupi….the director is good..he makes sure I get maaza after every shoot…pays me immediately after the shoot…also takes care of my comfort..like for example I have an umbrella for myself during the shoot..i can wear any kind of clothing, hairstyle and make-up as I like…even the shoots are scheduled according to my convenience…what more can I ask for?

On the emotional front I am a strong person…my EQ is good and can handle situations well….as long as I don’t ve a shoulder to cry on, I handle my problems on my own…(even the magnitude of my problems is quite low…) when I have a shoulder I cry on i find solutions to all my problems with the help of that shoulder…there have been many times when I ve left problems unsolved but all my actions have a reason behind them…those reasons might not convince everyone but at least I feel convinced and if not convinced helpless about them…..

I was recently chatting with Ami the other day and she explained me about life…she said there are ends and means.. ends for everybody are the same.. ends are happiness and satisfaction and contentment! The means are plenty...for some food(like Ami), for some money.. for some power and for some writing and for some clothes, jwellery, jholas, god, spirituality.. blah blah blah
but in the rut of life..we have forgotten the ends and we are running only after the means sadly so happiness is far away and the means is all that we get ………I certainly agreed with her…even I think we have forgotten about the ends ....until I attended one of the meetings in college where I heard some say ‘I don’t care what you do….i just want the work done…how u do it is your headache.’….this actually confused me..

since then ive been thinking…there are two kinds of ppl…one who think means are important…for example cutting down a thousand trees to build a beautiful end point is unethical…coz the end is good but the means aren’t great….and the other set of people are those who believe the end result is what is important,…how you achieve that end result is not their headache….like the Narmada dam construction. Such ppl are bothered about the end which will again be good but by opting what kinds of means (removing hundreds of villages) is not important for them…

I also came to realize that both kinds of people are important for the world…..the former ones protect the mother earth by stopping the latter ones and the latter ones are actually the ones who bring a change in the society and are instrumental for its advancement. Both the schools of thought are important to make world a better place to live in…just like a social activist who is as important as an industrialist. Both do their jobs….whether its doing any harm or good is for no1 to judge. Both are required and the battle will always continue…

2008-03-26T14:00:00.000-07:00

Let's play Tag!!!

Ami has now introduced me to the lets play tag syndrome...lets see how many will i be able to tag.....check the link...www.mmsc-manipal.com
its a media convention for all those who like to express themselves...also includes an un-conference on blogging....and a workshop on podcasting...can we ask for more?
What is one weird thing about you that nobody knows till date?
i am scared of even getting up from the bed if im alone in a room..!!
Favourite Ice cream flavour?
coffee...just like me bitter by nature but most wanted *innocent smiley*

The craziest dream you had in the past one week?
i am in a forest all alone...

One embarassing thing you've done in public, which comes to your mind right now?
caught my mum's sari and she almost fell when she was trying to help me out with the escalator in a five star hotel..it was a cousins wedding and so the saree was expensive...the entire crowd was staring at me coz i refused to use the escalators and pulled her bk....(i was sooo scared of them then and even now i would prefer taking the stairs!!)

Are you going to be attending MMSC? Why or why not?
yes of course.....why? coz its an ultra cool concept....new media is what will earn my bread and butter...and i bettr learn fast abt it!!
i cant be more glad to be a part of this event...:)

Pissed with life???

2008-03-19T13:47:00.000-07:00

why are so pissed off in life aashi?...asked a friend after I had given my list of complaints for 10long minutes….i coolly answered her saying ‘im just off mood today’……but this rose a question in my mind. She was right. I am just so pissed off In life always!!...with every1 and everything...i seem to be having a problem with all the people for some reason or the other….i feel life is unfair to me even when I have every possible thing or person I can ever ask for in my little world. But I never gave thought to whether anyone was observing this trait of mine…or even if it irritated any1 around me…! But now I know the nasty truth, that people have noticed this trait and they are frustrated about it too.
It doesn’t take much of an effort to smile or talk sweetly …..said another friend….so, I really don’t remember smiling at every1 I meet or even talk well…i just make a big face and develop some kind of a problem with every other person. And my list of complaints and grudges just get longer with each passing minute....
But the irony is that it doesn’t matter to me too much. I think I am like that only. Not that changing for the better is bad but I don’t feel like changing…I am ok with it unlike all those who have to bear the brunt of my ruthlessness every day….
When we talk about professionalism, I think things are different. I cant have my own way though I always desperately try to have it.(which is not a pleasant thing to do…n so initiates a million problems) But the real problem in a life like mine is that even in personal life I cant have my own way. There are just too many complications…and I guess that’s the reason y im so pissed off all day. i follow my heart all the time and have to pay for it heavily too. I don’t seem to understand why any human being has a problem just because someone’s opinion is different than his..!! all people are different and think differently. If they are made to think in a particular way they might in the process lose their true identity…or even feel inefficient.(will continue on the same lines in the next post..)

Me& myself...

2008-03-19T12:21:00.000-07:00

You should learn to think beyond yourself Aashika…said a prof in class today. Well he didn’t mean to be mean to me..he just wanted to explain me a concept by the means of an example. But this statement got me thinking. Have I ever thot beyond myself? All those who already know me will vouch a nod of disapproval coz the fact is that I always talk about myself including examples from the life which revolves around me (alone)…there is a possibility ppl get frustrated listening to this style of conversation but that’s how I am. (now I am not being defensive here but being innocent)…and I actually don’t stop talking about myself. It has never happened that there isn’t no mention about myself in any conversation I have had with anyone in this world. For instance take this blog! There are so many things I can write about but I continue talking about myself.
there are so many times when ive thot of other’s miseries, agony, their dreams which got shattered, the loss they had to bear, the failure they have felt and the loneliness which they fight against each day. (a person who learns to live alone can conquer feeling in this world.)This is also becoz at some point of the other in life I think have faced a situation like that or mite face in future.
But the truth is also that I never think beyond myself….it goes like my day, my activities, my internship , my goals, my problems, my issues, my ideas and myself. My world is a small place to live in and I get happy most of the times by admiring myself only!!
Because of this characterstic of mine I think many ppl think I don’t care. They think I am mean and self-centered. But I don’t think like that about myself always. Like for example I don’t ask any one if they have taken lunch…now there are two interpretations to it. One is ‘she doesn’t even care whether I eat or not…shes just bothered about herself’ and the other one which is my interpretation is ‘I don’t need to ask questions like have you eaten coz I assume ur a smart ass who will take care of atleast yr food…’ another example is I don’t call every one wen they are out of sight…..the two interpretations are ‘shes too stingy and uncaring….y will she take the effort to call till the time she doesn’t have any work!!’ and my simple interpretation is ‘if ur a close friend and u remember me all the time then pls call me. I am just a bit forgetful…!!’
so u see its called different interpretations and perceptions. And that’s the sole reason why I assume I think beyond myself and others don’t.

Oops...!!

2008-03-17T14:02:00.000-07:00

hi everyone...im new to the world of blogging and so didnt realize that what i post first comes later in the page....so please read the 2nd post and then the 1st..:)

And the inner beauty....

2008-03-17T13:59:00.000-07:00

When you kill a person you kill a dream or maybe dreams of all those you are connected to him. isnt it a blasphemous thing to do? Asked samavartha sir in class….now the thought struck me and I did some thinking. Like it happens in evry other class of his. He says something which is food for thought and I think about it always.
I read a couple of weeks back about transsexuality, about hw gunjal turned to gazal. I found the idea a revolution in the field of science. I even liked the piece, the basic reason being I thought it was great information. The reasons are at least ‘the week’ didn’t do into deep medical aspects which would be beyond my comprehension nor did they make it melodramatic by adding too much of human touch(this reminds me of the series of articles I read about manjunath, the computer engineer who got paralysed working in the US and how they took care of him for five years and now he is back to India and how TOI is collecting funds for him…)u know sometimes newspapers don’t realize how they make someone’s agony look fake by making it sooo melodramatic…and what I couldn’t believe was that manjunath covered page 1, page 2, page 3 and also page 5 in just an issue!!…trust me ive never seen so many articles of the same story in a newspaper…..the truth is that I have been an avid fan of newspapers since I was a child. Earlier we didn’t get English newspaper at home wen I was small. Then as I grew up I started reading English newspapers. A point came when I read papers only to improve my vocabulary and now finally I read them for information. I also like to criticize the way other high profiled reporters have written in big papers coz I think they don’t remember the basics and maybe I could write the same piece in a much better way……’I could write in a much better way’ is an important statement to me you know…the reasons are clear. I have grown up to believe im better than others. Even when I didn’t do very well in school ppl said I was very bright, even when I debated like a coward they said I was great and even when my writing sucked they said I am one of the best. Now when an individual grows up like this he believes that he is superior to others, and well, likes to ignore the fact that he sucks even when he can see others are brilliant and he has no choice but to accept it…but I still don’t regret the fact that I grew like that. when I joined college it all came as a blow on my face. I realized there is a world that exists beyond mine. People are more intelligent, more artistic and much much better than I can be…it took me a long time to recover my injuries caused due to the truth I was facing..even now sometimes I doubt myself, let me say only very occasionally, coz a long time has passed. I have realized, felt miserable and disgusted with myself, overcome the trauma and now regained my confidence. I don’t care how better others are than me coz that the natural feeling of being superior is still somewhere within me. I think I can manage my emotions pretty well. I am a little more tolerant than many can be. And since my EQ is higher than the normal beings, I feel like a champion. (atleast I think it is!!)
Now returning back to what I was saying I liked the story of gunjal to gazal unlike many of my friends who thot the piece was nothing great. For me reading a magazine has also become a fantasy. Im trying to watch movies these days. Just to improve my knowledge about things. Now I kno that’s a the crappiest reason to watch a film but ya its like that with me.

The outer beauty...

2008-03-17T13:58:00.000-07:00

There are so many things which I think are of so much of a significance when others think it is a total waste of time. Like painting my nails. I guess its an important thing coz I think only nail paint can make my hands look beautiful. As far as my beauty goes I am always very particular you know. I apply all the make up in the world every day!!..(this is one of the reason y I come late to college every day!!) well, the truth is that I have always felt that im not beautiful.. I have my reasons to believe so…I have a dark complexion. Since my childhood I have a fantasy for fair skin. A woman with a fair skin looks good even without make up on. Everything suits her complexion. People admire her more and morever she feels good about herself u know..but with me things have been different..ive always wanted fair skin…I like big eyes and that’s the reason I think I have small ones. And I have a fat nose…it not as fat as it is sounding actually!! But u kno I like a sharp nose and thin lips but mine are broad. Even my cheeks are so plump..and my hair….oh I like long thick hair but mine are thin and short and bad..!!so basically I think I need make up to make myself look the way I like to look. Even though from childhood I have heard ‘you kno black is beauty’…n …’my baby is looking so beautiful’…but all these beautiful words always reflect back from my ears. I don’t believe in everyone’s words. I listen to evry one who says im beautiful and charming but believe in none..(this reminds me of a beautician who told me ‘you are so beautiful…why do u tie your hair’ tat day for a brief moment I felt on top of the world….only a brief moment….it all came to an end the moment I saw other girls at the food court)...you see every one wants to make me feel happy and loved...but wat I fail to explain each one is that I don’t feel miserable for the way im nor do I have complex with those who are beautiful ….i just wish I looked better than I do..it means a lot to me!!...i sometimes wonder how I turn out to be like this when all my family members are so beautiful..both my sisters look beautiful and mom’s like a doll, then wat has gone wrong with me?
When all these thoughts come to my mind I suddenly come to think of how trivial my grievances are….i always think of the society and its problems. I think I am a contradiction within myself. When I can think of my own beauty so intensely how will I ever be able to imagine the woman’s agony whose face has been an acid attacked?